Conflict
Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol
IV, Issue 6, September 2007
We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.
Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 3, Face to Face or
Shoulder to Shoulder?
I can’t tell you how many times I see well
meaning people getting in their own way because of gender
blind spots. I am going to share a HUGE
gender blind spot with you…in just a second.
First, I want you to do something. It is a little
thing—that
is really a big thing. Recall your last in person
conversation. Was it with a male or a female? How
were you standing in relation to that person?
I am willing to bet $$$$$$$$$$ that if
you are a male reading this and the conversation was in
the workplace and with a female coworker, boss or vendor,
you could tell me how you far you
were standing from the women. (That is where that sex
harassment safety zone starts for you. YES,
ladies, this is a persistent and underlying concern for
the vast majority of men in the work place. See Scott’s
comments below in the Feedback
Section )
While your sex harassment safety zone may be a large concern,
for purpopses of this little exercise, I am less concerned
with where you
were standing in relation to that person. I am interested
in how you were standing in relation
to that person.
Where you face to face or shoulder
to shoulder?
Chances are if you are female you were standing in a face
to face position. (Others have called this “heart
to heart”-but that is too mushy for my taste).
If you are male you were most likely standing or sitting
shoulder to shoulder.
Who cares?
Actually, the other guy probably does. A lot. We
judge others interest in and respect for us based largely
how much that person mirrors our conversation style. Conversation
style can include tone of voice, pacing, pitch, and body
language. We assume that if the other person’s
body language does not appropriately mirror ours that the
person is disinterested, disrespectful, or downright
rude.
This is how people get in their own way, by assuming that
because the other person does not act - including
body position - just like you there is either supidity,
rudeness, or disrespect. AND... Here is the scary part, YOU act accordingly
by treating them with contempt, disdain
or fear. The
interpretation may be completely off, but you will react
as if it were true. I have heard it over and over
again from clients “he
doesn’t take me seriously!” “He
isn’t listening.” “We just aren’t
engaging….”
Are you sensing a “he” centered comments.
Yes. Me too. So here is a lesion for the ladies. Do
not assume that you are not being listened to if there
is not direct eye contact or someone is not facing you
directly. You could be totally wrong. As
a result self-sabotaging.
According to my colleague Gary Harper, author of the Joy
of Conflict Resolution” “men [tend]
bond shoulder to shoulder in performing a task more so
than face to face.” And who doesn’t want
to have a good—bonded—working relationships?
Try out the tools below to see how you interact with others
at work. By doing so you will begin to eliminate the
gender blind spots that negatively impact working relationships.
Action Tools
Here are some tools and exercises to help you “foster
a better arena for accomplishments by both males and females.” (Thanks
to reader Dan Cunningham for that Great Phrase). Try
these out and see what insights you gain. Let me know
how it goes.
Look at 3 same sex interactions this week. Notice
how the people position themselves relate to one another. Are
they shoulder to shoulder? Face to Face? Or something
in between?
Next look at 3 mixed gender conversations. Do
people position themselves the same or differently in relation
to one another than the same sex group.
Self assess. How do you position your self? Are
you a face to face? A shoulder to shoulder? Are
you judging and possibly blaming and shaming others based
on how they position themselves relative to you?
Try mirroring them. If they stand
face to face. Try standing face to face. If they go
for the shoulder to shoulder. Go for that.
Try these. Your rapport will increase.
If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work? I have a special program can help. Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com
. I am happy to help you out.
Feedback from last months Enews, Gender and Conflict at
Work: Part 2, Men Don't Whinny
“Your article hit close to home! Your
comments on men were spot on for the majority of men (99%).
I read your Action Tools and let me share my insights from
the Business environment “men” must strive to
live in today.
Men today are gun-shy to ask a woman out to work
ALONE. Not is there only the chance of gossip spreading BUT
if she is single she may perceive this as “A relationship” and
if it is not, “God hath no fury like a women scorned”,
for she could complain and he is unemployed.
[As for going to coffee], men do not care to discuss the
type of coffee used, age or whether or not the coffee pot
isn’t cleaned out daily – they want hot coffee
(and donuts too). The man who tries to use coffee as
a bonding tool notes how the others are task-driven and the
others note how he is a lazy bum not doing his work as they
are.”
Scott
- Security Specialist
“Tasks are important… but there are
also the “good ole boys club” or “executive
wash room” where the group is also important to the
guy. That really depends on the size of the organization
to a large degree. But certain circles exist – and
if you’re not part of that certain circle, that could
be a huge plus or a hindrance to your career."
Tom
“The insight you offer into gender differences was
intriguing. I’ll be sensitized to how I respond to
people as a result. I recognize that I have a threshold which
when exceeded is pretty binary. It’s not a lack of
forgiveness, but it is a lack of trust in potentially being
let down again. My personal question is -- how many disappointments
does it take to cross my threshold? Since it’s
my 31st wedding anniversary tomorrow, my wife has an outstanding
record. This is useful content and the conversational tone
is great. Thanks for this condensed nugget.”
Dan
- Consultant
That’s worth repeating…
“This ability to persevere despite obstacles
and setbacks is the quality people most admire in others,
and justly so; it is probably the most important trait
not only for succeeding in life, but for enjoying it
as well”
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Flow:
The Psychology of Optimal Experience
Recommended Reading:
This book is a favorite of mine. Completely dog eared and
marked up. I regularly hand it out to participants and clients
primarily because it has so many ready-made phrases that
you can use.
Difficult
Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and
Sheila Heen. All from the Harvard
Negotiation Project.
Excerpt: “Delivering a difficult message is like
throwing a hand grenade. Coated with sugar, thrown hard or
soft, a hand grenade is still going to do damage. Try as
you may, there’s
no way to throw a hand grenade with tact or to outrun the
consequences. And keeping it to yourself is no better. Choosing
not to deliver a difficult message is like handing on to
a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.
“So we feel stuck. We need advice that is more powerful
than ‘Be diplomatic’ or ‘Try and stay positive.’ The
problems run deeper than that; so must the answers….”
Carol in the Press
“Workplace Conflict Expert AND Entrepreneur!"
Carol
Bowser, President of Conflict Management Strategies Inc,
was recently featured in the Puget Sound Business Examiner’s
Women of Influence Edition. While we here at Conflict Management
Strategies know that Carol is a woman of influence, this
Cover Page Article titled “Ladies Who Launch” featured
her entrepreneurial talents. Click
here for the link to the article and check it out!
Where's Carol???
Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict,
train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate
internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol
to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our
Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict
at work.
October 12 - 14 and October 27 - 28
Basic Mediation Training
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
www.pccdr.org
October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO
www.aaspa.org/professional/annual_conference
October 31, 2007
"The Magic of the Mediator-Mediation Skills for the HR Professional"
through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
January 17, 2008
"No Shouting, No Singing Kumbaya - Mediation Skills for the
Executive" through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
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