What are these people thinking?!?!?!?!?! You have heard it. You have said it. But what can you do about “them”? The people that drive you crazy.

Understand that no one wakes up in the morning and says “I want to look like a jackass today!” People make decisions with the hope of the best pay off. Most people crave respect, dignity, and peaceful relationships. Generally, it is how “the other guy” goes about getting his needs met that rubs people the wrong way.

So ask yourself what is it about the person that is driving you crazy ?

Is it the way that he or she is going about something or is it that you don’t know what he or she is trying to accomplish?

Assume that that “crazy maker” does what respect and acknowledgment. Then determine if they are making you crazy because you would handle it differently. If you would handle it differently, it is a matter of style rather than substance.

However, if you are the supervisor or head honcho, you could be driving people crazy with your preferences unless everyone knows, understands, and appreciates that standards you set are essential to a functioning organization or department & not just “I am in change and that is the way I like it” power trip.

So let people know your reasoning on the front end.

Ask for their opinions-listen. Once people feel heard, they tend to become much “saner”.

In the traditional models of male group dynamics the new members of the group undergo some form of hazing to “earn” their way into the group. Once “in” the group, the new guy is made the butt of jokes or “given grief” as a demonstration of his belonging.
Ask a women the last time, she felt “in” when she was made the butt of a joke. To the average female, being made the object of exclusion or ridicule is the exact opposite of belonging and a BIG BLINKING SIGNAL THAT SHE STOP TRYING TO BECOME PART OF THE GROUP BECAUSE—for whatever reason- SHE IS NOT WELCOME.

In the workplace, the worst thing is to be viewed as disengaged or “not team player”.

In life, it is awful to feel purposefully excluded and have no control to “get back into the game.” What maybe intended as a sign of inclusion-kidding around, target of practical jokes-teasing maybe perceived as harassment, retaliation or purposeful exclusion. NOT what is desired in the workplace for full engagement.

Think about it. Then take a look around. How does your workgroup let individuals know that they are “Teamplayers”? How do you? Is this based on “the way we have always done it?” Is it possible that your method falls into either a “male” or “female” model?

If so, have there been any unintended consequences??

I just read this great article  by Jocelyn Noveck of the Associated Press about  (now former) Governor of New York-Eliot Spitzer. The headline read “Why the powerful do dumb things?” As someone who regularly dives into situation where people made some pretty poor choice.  Ms. Noveck had me hooked.  She then had me laughing and nodding with 100% agreement.  

 “ Yet, if the New York Governor is proved to have been involved in a prostitution ring, it would hardly be the first time that a powerful, brilliant person in public life has done something dizzyingly self destructive.”

Dizzyingly self destructive.  I love that quote and as a person who steps in to messes at work. I say that Ms. Novek is on the mark.  Much of what I see is that people create circumstances where they get in their own way –primarily by making poor choices. Choices, by the way, that seemed like a good idea at the time.  So Governor Spitzer, I am sure that calling a prostitute from a hotel room seemed like a viable option to pass the time….whatever.

However, talk about not seeing the forest for the trees. I think had he asked for some advice or disclosed his idea to a trusted advisor –even his dog- his actions might have been different.  Yet, how often do we make choices in secret. Don’t seek objective feedback. Bounce ideas off of someone to our detriment?

Here is the other part of the article that I really liked “ In order to be such a high profile position, you have to believe that what you are din gin innately right” 

 So how does this apply to the average working person, manager, or owner?  Simple, we too lack introspection. Managers-realistically- can not delve in to deep consequential anaylsis with every decision.  The nature of management is to make decisions –often decisions that impact the lives of others.

Work Life Balance Is a Myth!! I know that I am about to skewer a sacred cow here.  Expose the fact that the transparent, dangling carrot of achieving “balance” between the demands of the workplace, demands of home life and the aspiration of achieving harmony, Zen, and self-fulfillment is as real as the Wizard of Oz.

Well, I am saying it.  There is no balance. Every time I hear the term, I feel a boiling rage inside. Why? Because I get a mental image of a circus seal with a hat balancing on a big, beach ball, on one flipper.  I also have flashbacks of attempting to bend myself into a pretzel in vain attempts to achieve the balance.
Balance no. Congruence, yes.

Work and life must be in congruence with one another.  Banish the guilt. Banish the fallacy “if I just worked harder,” “if I was a better person,” “if I had better time management skills,” “if I just didn’t stay up watching CSI Miami last night.”
So how does this relate to conflict at work?  Simple - if people are over-stressed, blaming and shaming themselves for not being good enough and not doing good enough, they are ripe for workplace conflict.  They are overly sensitive to criticism.  They may withdraw.  Or worse, lash out inappropriately.  The result is damaged credibility and damaged workplace relationships.
Anyone else out there felt pretzel-like?  Interested in your comments. 

At work, humor can be used to build or break working relationships.  Often men and women have the same intent –to build a sense of camaraderie –when joking or kidding around. 

However, women jest.  Men joust.

The Jester, if you will, will use self deprecating humor or feel good humor.

The Jouster will use humor to skewer or unseat the opponent and for the benefit of others.  It is humor and one- ups-manship.  And unless you are prepared to skewer back, it can be a demoralizing experience.

Not a big deal?  Oh contraire!  I hear of more women leaving male-dominated environments because of the Jousting Atmosphere.

As one woman put it “there was just too much testosterone!  The men did not know when to dial it down!”

I am not saying that men need to become women with penises.  Nor should women be men with breasts.  What I am saying is that everyone should be conscientious of how they use humor in work groups.

So are you a Jester or a Jouster?  Have you ever been a Jester in a group of Jousters?  Or a Jouster in a group of Jesters?  (For that second one, will anyone fess up if the Jouster with the Jesters might have led to complaints of bullying or harassment? Just wondering…)

True story.  A woman worked for a small business. Boss/owner was in the office everyday and hyper-viligilent about “customer service.”  The company offices were small enough so that every phone call could be heard.  More important for this story, the single-stall restroom was immediately off of the main work area.  When a customer called and sales reps were in the restroom, the boss would stand–get this–outside the door and yell that ”Your client is on the phone! Hurry up!” 

Nice.

Now as a business owner and as a consumer, I am all about providing great customer service, but come on!!!  What this boss did not appreciate was the signifcance of recognizing and honoring personal and professional boundaries.  As a result, he created a very uncomfortable workplace. 

Did the conduct rise to the level of illegal harassment or bullying.  Probably not.  Did it create uncomfortable situations in the workplace. You bet.  Unfortunately, the problem of not repecting boundaries or too intrusive bosses is widespread. 

Take a look at About.com’s workplace site  or one of my favorate sites http://www.badbossology.com/

Each of us has a personal and professional boundary and if someone comes trespassing it is up to you to tell the offending party.  No fair playing the “he should know” card.  Maybe he should know.  Maybe you should remind him (or her).

If you want some guidance on how to start or stay in the conversation, take a look at my website http://www.managingconflict.com/ for free articles.

I hate feeling torpedoed at work!!!  Well, it wasn’t quite a torpedo hit more like a punch in the gut.  Yes, me the Workplace Conflict Queen. I, too, at times am in the line of fire.  Amazing.  Particularly, since I own the company.

Here is what happened.  I regularly instruct a Basic Mediation Course for a local community based mediation center & I LOVE it.  Training on the critical life skills of conflict resolution is something that I look forward to every year. Well, this was the week for the training.  There was a lot of preparation.  The group was resonating with the material.  At the close of the day, I congratulated the participants on a job well done, handed out the evaluations, and bid them so long for now.

So here is where the punch in the gut part comes…one of the evaluations said that the person did not like my style of presenting “too physical” and “she flipped her hair”.Nothing about the content or the key learning points or the interactive exercises (which others really liked).  Just something that was more about them then me.

The comment stung. My first response was “Wow-Ouch.”  My second response was “Now, WHAT  am I supposed to do with this big poop that has been dropped on my shoe!!!!!”

Now let me say this. I speak and train for a living.  I have spoken before hundreds of people.  I am confident in my abilities in the content area and in presentation skills.  I have never gotten any feedback like that.  It felt weird and inappropriate.

So, I needed to practice some of what I preach about how to handle conflict in the workplace.  First, I needed to step back and ask if ANYTHING about the comment was legitimate.

I decided “No”.  Why “no.”  Simple.  The comment had nothing to do with content or substance AND was off the chart from any of the other feedback.  Nothing else said by the other participants was even the same ballpark.  The person stated that he or she felt weird with my physical presence.  Is that something that I am responsible for?  No.  Am I responsible for making sure that I am dressed professionally and do not purposefully and inappropriately raise issues that may transgress guidelines for a discrimination/hostile free learning environment?  Yes. Absolutely.  Did I do anything to cross a line of good taste or decorum? No.  Yet, the comment still bothered me.

Why, because the message that I took away is that the person did not view me in the same light that I view myself- as a confident and competent professional. Unfortunately, I will bet that many of you can relate to that feeling.  It is a bummer.  I hate feeling that way at work.

Here is how I got over it…As I mentioned, I took a step back and asked “Is anything said here legitimate?”  Second, I really thought about whether that comment was for my benefit or theirs.  From what I could tell there was nothing in that comment or any others from that person designed to help me or in any way benefit me or the organizers of the program.  It, in essence, was all about them.  So I let it alone.

It was all about them. Not me. So I let it go…after venting to a girlfriend and having a glass of wine or two.  And my friend, did just want a friend would do.   Honestly tell me if there was anything that I should take from it or just move on.  So I have moved on…Really…that is why I am blogging on it.   To take this experience and turn it into a lesson and by doing so let it go. Now I am sure that I am not the only one out there who has received weird and inappropriate feedback.  What have you done with it?  Anything?  Willing to share?   I would love to hear your insights.

Yes, you read that correctly.  “Men Don’t Whinny.” Recall last month’s eNews and how women use the power of the group to reward or punish.  Now, let’s take a look at the other side.  The guy side and some might even say the “right side”.

Now, some of you might be thinking “Who the heck is this Woman to talk about how men do it, don’t do it, or how they do it.”  How do I know?  I asked…MEN.   Lots of them.  I asked a High School Football Coach. A Marketing Executive.  A CPA.  A Human Resources Professional. Lawyers.  Airline Pilots. Management Consultants.  I asked.  I listened.  I took copious notes.  I stopped talking and took a look around.  This is what I heard and saw and what took me by surprise.

Recall, for the majority of women- it is all about the relationship and fitting in to the group.  Contrast this to, well, the male dynamic.

Men don’t care about the group. There is no group. There is only the task…and trust…and respect.