So what do to be a great employer? Well lots of things. My focus is on how the culture and the management treats employees (even the management) and how organizations foster good conflict management. As you may know, I regularly write a Free Enews (see www.managingconflict.com) to help people deal with workplace tension and conflict.

I solicit feedback. Here is one piece of feedback that got me thinking and my response.

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I read your newsletter every time it comes and I like the format generally. I am trying to think why it doesn’t really grab me.

I think I finally figured it out.

Human resources and work place conflicts are due to people getting together to do business. It is like carpooling. If the driver is reckless the ride will be difficult not to mention the wear and tear on the occupants and the business/vehicle itself. But if the ride is smooth and deliberate the ride will be successful with pleasant and comfortable occupants.

It is almost as if the part of business is ignored unintentionally. I wonder how many owners come away with this same feeling. Unless a conflict rears its head I am not going to worry about this. It is like business fraud though – only a fraction of the amount that is really going on gets detected and then by accident after a great part of the damage has been done. These are just my thoughts – I may be wrong.

- DAN

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Carol Responds:
Awesome insight. Conflict does lurk under the surface and often goes undetected. AND well run work places often take what goes well for granted.

So let’s take the conversation to a different place. I want to hear from those of you whose workplaces DO handle things well. What are your secrets, tactics, strategies?

So folks, what are your secrets, tactics, and strategies. What does your company or a singular person do that makes your workplace fairly stress free?

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What are these people thinking?!?!?!?!?! You have heard it. You have said it. But what can you do about “them”? The people that drive you crazy.

Understand that no one wakes up in the morning and says “I want to look like a jackass today!” People make decisions with the hope of the best pay off. Most people crave respect, dignity, and peaceful relationships. Generally, it is how “the other guy” goes about getting his needs met that rubs people the wrong way.

So ask yourself what is it about the person that is driving you crazy ?

Is it the way that he or she is going about something or is it that you don’t know what he or she is trying to accomplish?

Assume that that “crazy maker” does what respect and acknowledgment. Then determine if they are making you crazy because you would handle it differently. If you would handle it differently, it is a matter of style rather than substance.

However, if you are the supervisor or head honcho, you could be driving people crazy with your preferences unless everyone knows, understands, and appreciates that standards you set are essential to a functioning organization or department & not just “I am in change and that is the way I like it” power trip.

So let people know your reasoning on the front end.

Ask for their opinions-listen. Once people feel heard, they tend to become much “saner”.

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I just read this great article by Jocelyn Noveck of the Associated Press about (now former) Governor of New York-Eliot Spitzer. The headline read "Why the powerful do dumb things?" As someone who regularly dives into situation where people made some pretty poor choice. Ms. Noveck had me hooked. She then had me laughing and nodding with 100% agreement.

" Yet, if the New York Governor is proved to have been involved in a prostitution ring, it would hardly be the first time that a powerful, brilliant person in public life has done something dizzyingly self destructive."

Dizzyingly self destructive. I love that quote and as a person who steps in to messes at work. I say that Ms. Novek is on the mark. Much of what I see is that people create circumstances where they get in their own way-primarily by making poor choices. Choices, by the way, that seemed like a good idea at the time. So Governor Spitzer, I am sure that calling a prostitute from a hotel room seemed like a viable option to pass the time…whatever.

However, talk about not seeing the forest for the trees. I think had he asked for some advice or disclosed his idea to a trusted adviser-even his dog- his actions might have been different. Yet, how often do we make choices in secret. Don’t seek objective feedback. Bounce ideas off of someone to our detriment?

Here is the other part of the article that I really liked " In order to be such a high profile position, you have to believe that what you are din gin innately right"

So how does this apply to the average working person, manager, or owner? Simple, we too lack introspection. Managers-realistically- can not delve in to deep consequential analysis with every decision. The nature of management is to make decisions-often decisions that impact the lives of others.

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Work Life Balance Is a Myth!! I know that I am about to skewer a sacred cow here. Expose the fact that the transparent, dangling carrot of achieving "balance" between the demands of the workplace, demands of home life and the aspiration of achieving harmony, Zen, and self-fulfillment is as real as the Wizard of Oz.

Well, I am saying it. There is no balance. Every time I hear the term, I feel a boiling rage inside. Why? Because I get a mental image of a circus seal with a hat balancing on a big, beach ball, on one flipper. I also have flashbacks of attempting to bend myself into a pretzel in vain attempts to achieve the balance.
Balance no. Congruence, yes.

Work and life must be in congruence with one another. Banish the guilt. Banish the fallacy "if I just worked harder," "if I was a better person," "if I had better time management skills," "if I just didn’t stay up watching CSI Miami last night."
So how does this relate to conflict at work? Simple – if people are over-stressed, blaming and shaming themselves for not being good enough and not doing good enough, they are ripe for workplace conflict. They are overly sensitive to criticism. They may withdraw. Or worse, lash out inappropriately. The result is damaged credibility and damaged workplace relationships.
Anyone else out there felt pretzel-like? Interested in your comments.

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