There is something delicious about sitting in judgment of others.

 I was having coffee with someone last week and the subject  of judging others came up.

It got me thinking….why do we sit in judgment of others?

Is it because it is part of our job description? 

Is it because we like being “right” and telling others that they are “wrong” or at least “not as right as we are?” 

More importantly, what is the impact on us, the workplace, and our peers when we sit in judgment of others AND do so inappropriately?

What I mean by “inappropriately“?  

Let me paint a picture…You are working hard.  Someone says something to you that YOU find dumb, insensitive, or whacked.  You make a determination about that person’s character and competence BUT you never check it out to see if the person INTENDED to mean, insensitive or whacked.

As a result, your working relationship changes for the worse.

I will bet for those people with whom you have a poor working relationship that you can point to an exact moment when the relationship went downhill.

Now take 5 seconds to evaluate if you ever checked in with the person to verify if they did indeed INTEND to damage you or the working relationship.  If you didn’t verify their intention then you may have inappropriately sat in judgment.

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A colleague just sent me a link to a CNN article that says employees are too afraid to take vacation-because they are afraid that during any time away from work their employer will discover that the job can be done with out them. (Here is the link )

Fear has taken hold-the Monkey Brain has taken over. The Monkey Brain is that part of us where the fear response lives. The Monkey Brain engages and creativity dies, logic dies, freak-outs thrive.

So what can you do? Simple. Tame the Monkey.

The Monkey Brain is triggered by threats. In the working world that is down turns in the economy, lay off’s, performance reviews, restructuring, escalating tension, cut-backs, mergers, and bankruptcies.

I find that the common denominator is a feeling of lack of meaningful control and a sense of “I don’t know what I can do here!!!!!!” This feeling of lack of control often hides behind “IT’s NOT FAIR!!!”

Have honest conversations.

Name the elephant in the room.

It is OK to tell people that you don’t know or that you aren’t at liberty to tell them

No one really knows everything that is  going on.  Do your best to share what information you can.   Avoid-like the plague-speculating.  It doesn’t help and only serves to increase tension.

Ask people what they would like to have happen. They may not know or what they want is not with in your power to deliver.  Just get folks to start talking.   It is your best Monkey taming technique.

If you want more tips- please visit www.managingconflict.com and check out the enews archive page for articles and action tools.

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Join me on June 3 at 3 pm Pacific time.  I will be the guest of Larry Kaminer, President of The Personal Safety Training Group (www.personalsafetygroup.com )for Blog Talk Radio Live Call in Program Managing Conflict in the Workplace. We will talk about:

Early recognition of tension, conflict, and potential violence in the workplace and the impact of gender on workplace conflict and resolution. Cool stuff that you really need to know.

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Yes, conflict is contagious! Suprised? I will bet not. Emotion is contageous. As contageous as a yawn or the Swine Flu.

You can’t be responsible for someone else’s happiness or anger. You can only be responsible for yourself BUT you can take a tempurature of the emotional environment of your workplace.

Are people laughing? Are people talking about each other or to each other? Is there something in place to help people handle stress?

Here is my advice.

Ask yourself these questions:

How am I doing with this work environment–really?

What is really freaking me out?

What am I disappointed with?

Would my co-workers or boss agree with me or would they describe me differently?

What one thing can I do to help me make it to lunch? To the end of the day? To the end of the week?

Then- seek out others just to say hello and how is it going. If you are concerned, share your concern then share what you are doing to make it through the day.

Why? Because unless the GIANT Pink Elephant in the room is addressed it will grow and suck the life force out of everyone. The result is that the conflict s.unless identified and addressed the emotional climate will worsen.

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Look at those pretty silos. Unfortunately, silos at work are not so pretty. Business consultants/ and HR geeks like me, referr to deliberate lack of communciation and hard boundaries between divisions or departments as “silos”.

Did you know that “silo-ing” can also take place in small and very small employers or work groups. Symptoms of siloing are lack or communication, miscommunication, or obfuscation. It can also come informs of emotional shut down at work, not talking, not even looking at each other.

What is scary about silos is this….most people don’t recognize that they contribute to the siloing. Consider this…

When is the last time that you made eye contact with a co-worker? The last time you spoke to someone–maybe even the person with the desk next to you– just to acknowledge their existence, not to make a request for information.

Here is my challenge to you….just observe yourself. Are you creating a mini silo farm? Do you see it going on around you? If so, break the silo effect. Just say “hi”.

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No surprise. News of recession will have a negative impact on employee morale. Disheartened employees mean disengaged employees. In the current economic climate if a business is to survive, the work force must be fully engaged-emotionally, physically, even spiritually.

The unfortunate reality is that many companies will go under because of failure to motivate, empower, and acknowledge their employees.

Instead of deliberately and consistently communicating with employees, employers will go into “shut down” mode. The result will be increased fear among employees and mistrust of management.

According to the Respectful Workplace Blog:

“Communicate constantly to minimize uncertainty. Uncertainty arouses the fear circuits in the brain and is an absolute killer to employee productivity. When people are unsure about the stability of their organization, their standing with their boss or supervisor, or a clear understanding of what’s expected of them, most assume the worst. The ensuing stress decreases the amount of a chemical called dopamine in the brain, a chemical that is critical for clear thinking and reasoning by the prefrontal cortex. Continuous uncertainty can also increase the levels of cortisol in the body, too much of which can permanently damage both the brain and the circulatory system.”

The morale to this story is that survival in the current economy will depend on EVERYONE in the organization bringing their best selves to work.

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1. Name the elephant in the room – yours & theirs. Acknowledge out loud that you and others are worried. It is a WASTE of emotional and psychological energy to either pretend the elephant doesn’t exist or to ignore it.

2. Avoid the blame game. Self-righteousness keeps feelings of victimization on life support.

3. Recognize that people really can’t compartmentalize their emotional states. Happy, sad, stressed – one area of our life will seep into others.

4. Stress, concern, and increased tension will cause people to have a short fuse. Expect more arguments and push back at work-but in strange and unexpected areas. Help peers and yourself. A re you angry at the person or task in front of you-or is it just a convenient target? (For action tools to address this check out The case of the convenient victim as well as the reply in the Feedback section of the next enews. )

5. If you are targeted, attempt to recognize it as the person’s way of expressing frustration.

6. Anger is an energy-redirect the energy. Take a walk. Take up kick boxing, write in a journal, have a 5 minute pity party, clean your workspace, jump up and down.

7. 60 second vent-write down everything that is pissing you off, irritating you or otherwise is “just not fair”. Cross out what is outside your immediate influence or it will take more time and emotional energy than you have this week. Determine what is within your circle of influence. Don’t ruminate over the rest.

8. Create best case-worst case & most likely case scenarios. Have an action plan for each.

9. Think of 10 things that you are grateful for – write those on 10 sticky notes and post them around your work space.

10. Then pick 1 thing that you can do something about and do just one small thing.

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I admit it. I love, love, love reality TV. Project Runway, The Apprentice, Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, The Amazing Race, The Next Food Network Star. I spend every Sunday catching up on the trauma and drama of people fighting to make it to the top or stay out of the bottom.

Why do I love these shows that glorify malfunction, back biting, and nastiness? Because as someone who dives into others conflict all the time, it is like Jane Goodall observing the chimps.

What is good for ratings and interesting entertainment is actually horrid for the workplace. Through shows like the Apprentice, Hell’s Kitchen, and Project Runway naive people are learning everything not to do to be successful at work.

Teamwork? No way! Look out for number one. Respectful communication? Nope. Snipe and gossip. Conflict resolution skills? Forget it!

One lesson that is spot on..if you mess with someone, they will not forget and will try and take you down.

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Trouble sleeping this week? Workplace stress might be the culprit. The September issue of Body and Soul magazine cites a University of Michigan study found that “people who often feel hassled on the job were more likely to develop sleep problems. In fact”, says Body and Soul, “everyday struggles with coworkers seem to disrupt sleep even more than long hours, night shifts, or job insecurity.”

Yep. I have experienced that. And still experience disrupted sleep when work pressure (often self-imposed) increases. Anyone else experience this? Maybe the better question is “has anyone experienced you as cranky, ill-tempered, abrupt, even snarky because you were stress and sleep deprived. Do I even need to say how that will not help you career advancement? Did you even recognize that you weren’t at your best or did someone point it out to you? How did you recover?

While I am no expert on sleep, I do know that tired = cranky and non productive. If you need some resources to address sleep check out the articles on Body and Soul on sleep. If you would like more info on how to address the tension check out the Enews archive. (You may want to check out the H.A.L.T. Article inparticular). To hear a a newscast on the U of Michigan report click here.

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We often think about conflict as something to be avoided. Unfortunately we do get caught up in the trauma and drama of the workplace and can’t figure out how to get out of the mess-without more trauma, drama and mess.

Well, I just read this great article in the October issue of Pink Magazine (for a FREE trial issue go to www.pinkmagazine.com). The article Diamond Deal by Tiffany Meyers. Don’t be put off by what looks like a bad ad for a pyramid scheme jewelry franchise. The article has some concrete tips on how to get deals done. These tips are readily transferable to how to address tough situation at work.

There are 5 main categories that provide 21 tips. Here are my top 5 of those 21 tips.

1. Listen to Learn-Since much of the information you need isn’t on the surface, get comfortable reading between the lines.
2. Thinking Past the Handshake-In the heat of the moment, when emotion might otherwise cloud judgment, return to the objectives you’ve identified as important.
3. Maintaining Perspective- Acknowledge strong emotions if they crop up-but don’t let them drive decisions.
4. Calling for Backup-Understand that you’ll probably never have all the information you want or feel that you need.
5. Setting the Tone- Know what the other side stands to gain from the deal, Once you understand that , negotiations are easy.

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