There is something delicious about sitting in judgment of others.

 I was having coffee with someone last week and the subject  of judging others came up.

It got me thinking….why do we sit in judgment of others?

Is it because it is part of our job description? 

Is it because we like being “right” and telling others that they are “wrong” or at least “not as right as we are?” 

More importantly, what is the impact on us, the workplace, and our peers when we sit in judgment of others AND do so inappropriately?

What I mean by “inappropriately“?  

Let me paint a picture…You are working hard.  Someone says something to you that YOU find dumb, insensitive, or whacked.  You make a determination about that person’s character and competence BUT you never check it out to see if the person INTENDED to mean, insensitive or whacked.

As a result, your working relationship changes for the worse.

I will bet for those people with whom you have a poor working relationship that you can point to an exact moment when the relationship went downhill.

Now take 5 seconds to evaluate if you ever checked in with the person to verify if they did indeed INTEND to damage you or the working relationship.  If you didn’t verify their intention then you may have inappropriately sat in judgment.

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The Perfect Worker"

I came across this interesting article on honey bees.  What had me stop in my tracks was this quote by Beekeeper Jerry Webb, ” It [the hive] is a perfect society. You’re either useful or you’re dead”. 

How much of management theory is in part based on this premise?  Just wondering….

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I am so pleased to share with you this post by guest blogger Amy Stephson. Amy and I have enjoyed coffee dates  talking shop about workplace harassment and conflict. I thought that you would ejnoy hearing some words of wisdome from her.  

Reflections of a Workplace Investigator.

A gay male employee complains: My co-worker and her husband lunch together every day, but it’s discriminatory that she doesn’t want me to discuss my same sex partner. The co-worker says: I’m a Christian and homosexuality is against my religion. I’m happy to interact with my gay co-worker, but don’t want to have to hear about his partner.

An African-American employee complains: My co-workers laugh and talk about me in their native language. This is harassment. The co-workers reply: When we use our language, we’re not talking about her; we’re just chatting and only do it when no one else is around. Our employer’s policy allows us to speak in our language and it would be discriminatory to stop us.

These are just two of the many scenarios in the life of a workplace investigator. Most are more mundane: Managers have terrible communication skills or play favorites. Poor performers blame bias rather than their job performance. Managers have anger problems. Perceptually challenged employees create havoc. People hate their jobs, but can’t find another that pays as well, so make trouble.

And now a new source of conflict is creating challenges in the workplace: generational diversity. The 62-79 year-old “Matures” (as consultant Karyl K. Innis calls them) have very different attitudes toward work than the 43-66 year-old Boomers, who in turn have different attitudes than the 28–42 year-old “Gen X’ers” or the under-28 “Gen Y’s.”

Is there an underlying reason for all this? Much of it is just human nature: people are complex, see the world through their own perceptual lens, have competing interests, have personality conflicts, lack the necessary competencies, offend and get offended. We live in a country where personal boundaries are often blurred, many have a sense of entitlement or victimhood, and television shows workplaces where there’s more talk of sex than work.

There’s another reason why employers end up having to hire investigators: They fail to prevent conflict through policies, training, and coaching. And then, when conflicts do arise, they fail to manage them in a timely manner. Proactively dealing with conflict may seem like a distraction, but it’s an essential part of risk management and running a productive, efficient business.

***
Amy Stephson is a Seattle employment attorney whose practice emphasizes conducting independent workplace investigations. She is also a workplace consultant and coach. She can be reached at http://www.amystephson.com.

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Bless you

This is an email I received from a colleague. I thought that I would share it with all of you -after getting permission and redacting. It is an excellent example of how1 statement can make a difference at work! READ on…

Good Morning ****,

I just had this happen to me and wanted to share it with you both…

To me there seems to be three types of people in this world � Optimists (the glass is half full), Pessimists (the glass is half empty) and your Optimistic Pessimists (the glass is half full � of POISON) ;o). I guess it is true however that perception is reality and we take things as we choose to see them.

Case in point my little email parlay with our front desk receptionist.

From: ***
Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 10:37 AM
To: ****
Subject: BLESS YOU!
________________________________________

From: ***
Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 11:04 AM
To: ***
Subject: RE: BLESS YOU!

Well Thank you Miss *** You just made my day. I am not sure what I did to deserve it but I will sure take it. Bless you, ***! I am glad that you are here with us!
T

________________________________________
________________________________________
From:***
Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 11:41 AM
To:***
Subject: RE: BLESS YOU!

I actually heard you sneeze.
Your welcome!
And thank you for the comment!

****

________________________________________

From: ***
Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 11:56 AM
To:****
Subject: RE: BLESS YOU!

HA HA HA! It wasn�t me you heard but I will save your bless you in my pocket for next time. ;o)

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So what do to be a great employer? Well lots of things. My focus is on how the culture and the management treats employees (even the management) and how organizations foster good conflict management. As you may know, I regularly write a Free Enews (see www.managingconflict.com) to help people deal with workplace tension and conflict.

I solicit feedback. Here is one piece of feedback that got me thinking and my response.

————————–

I read your newsletter every time it comes and I like the format generally. I am trying to think why it doesn’t really grab me.

I think I finally figured it out.

Human resources and work place conflicts are due to people getting together to do business. It is like carpooling. If the driver is reckless the ride will be difficult not to mention the wear and tear on the occupants and the business/vehicle itself. But if the ride is smooth and deliberate the ride will be successful with pleasant and comfortable occupants.

It is almost as if the part of business is ignored unintentionally. I wonder how many owners come away with this same feeling. Unless a conflict rears its head I am not going to worry about this. It is like business fraud though – only a fraction of the amount that is really going on gets detected and then by accident after a great part of the damage has been done. These are just my thoughts – I may be wrong.

- DAN

————————–

Carol Responds:
Awesome insight. Conflict does lurk under the surface and often goes undetected. AND well run work places often take what goes well for granted.

So let�s take the conversation to a different place. I want to hear from those of you whose workplaces DO handle things well. What are your secrets, tactics, strategies?

So folks, what are your secrets, tactics, and strategies. What does your company or a singular person do that makes your workplace fairly stress free?

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What are these people thinking?!?!?!?!?! You have heard it. You have said it. But what can you do about “them”? The people that drive you crazy.

Understand that no one wakes up in the morning and says “I want to look like a jackass today!” People make decisions with the hope of the best pay off. Most people crave respect, dignity, and peaceful relationships. Generally, it is how “the other guy” goes about getting his needs met that rubs people the wrong way.

So ask yourself what is it about the person that is driving you crazy ?

Is it the way that he or she is going about something or is it that you don’t know what he or she is trying to accomplish?

Assume that that “crazy maker” does what respect and acknowledgment. Then determine if they are making you crazy because you would handle it differently. If you would handle it differently, it is a matter of style rather than substance.

However, if you are the supervisor or head honcho, you could be driving people crazy with your preferences unless everyone knows, understands, and appreciates that standards you set are essential to a functioning organization or department & not just “I am in change and that is the way I like it” power trip.

So let people know your reasoning on the front end.

Ask for their opinions-listen. Once people feel heard, they tend to become much “saner”.

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Work Life Balance Is a Myth!! I know that I am about to skewer a sacred cow here. Expose the fact that the transparent, dangling carrot of achieving "balance" between the demands of the workplace, demands of home life and the aspiration of achieving harmony, Zen, and self-fulfillment is as real as the Wizard of Oz.

Well, I am saying it. There is no balance. Every time I hear the term, I feel a boiling rage inside. Why? Because I get a mental image of a circus seal with a hat balancing on a big, beach ball, on one flipper. I also have flashbacks of attempting to bend myself into a pretzel in vain attempts to achieve the balance.
Balance no. Congruence, yes.

Work and life must be in congruence with one another. Banish the guilt. Banish the fallacy "if I just worked harder," "if I was a better person," "if I had better time management skills," "if I just didn’t stay up watching CSI Miami last night."
So how does this relate to conflict at work? Simple – if people are over-stressed, blaming and shaming themselves for not being good enough and not doing good enough, they are ripe for workplace conflict. They are overly sensitive to criticism. They may withdraw. Or worse, lash out inappropriately. The result is damaged credibility and damaged workplace relationships.
Anyone else out there felt pretzel-like? Interested in your comments.

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I hate feeling torpedoed at work!!! Well, it wasn’t quite a torpedo hit more like a punch in the gut. Yes, me the Workplace Conflict Queen. I, too, at times am in the line of fire. Amazing. Particularly, since I own the company.

Here is what happened. I regularly instruct a Basic Mediation Course for a local community based mediation center & I LOVE it. Training on the critical life skills of conflict resolution is something that I look forward to every year. Well, this was the week for the training. There was a lot of preparation. The group was resonating with the material. At the close of the day, I congratulated the participants on a job well done, handed out the evaluations, and bid them so long for now.

So here is where the punch in the gut part comes…one of the evaluations said that the person did not like my style of presenting "too physical" and "she flipped her hair".Nothing about the content or the key learning points or the interactive exercises (which others really liked). Just something that was more about them then me.

The comment stung. My first response was "Wow-Ouch." My second response was "Now, WHAT am I supposed to do with this big poop that has been dropped on my shoe!!!!!"

Now let me say this. I speak and train for a living. I have spoken before hundreds of people. I am confident in my abilities in the content area and in presentation skills. I have never gotten any feedback like that. It felt weird and inappropriate.

So, I needed to practice some of what I preach about how to handle conflict in the workplace. First, I needed to step back and ask if ANYTHING about the comment was legitimate.

I decided "No". Why "no." Simple. The comment had nothing to do with content or substance AND was off the chart from any of the other feedback. Nothing else said by the other participants was even the same ballpark. The person stated that he or she felt weird with my physical presence. Is that something that I am responsible for? No. Am I responsible for making sure that I am dressed professionally and do not purposefully and inappropriately raise issues that may transgress guidelines for a discrimination/hostile free learning environment? Yes. Absolutely. Did I do anything to cross a line of good taste or decorum? No. Yet, the comment still bothered me.

Why, because the message that I took away is that the person did not view me in the same light that I view myself- as a confident and competent professional. Unfortunately, I will bet that many of you can relate to that feeling. It is a bummer. I hate feeling that way at work.

Here is how I got over it…As I mentioned, I took a step back and asked "Is anything said here legitimate?" Second, I really thought about whether that comment was for my benefit or theirs. From what I could tell there was nothing in that comment or any others from that person designed to help me or in any way benefit me or the organizers of the program. It, in essence, was all about them. So I let it alone.

It was all about them. Not me. So I let it go…after venting to a girlfriend and having a glass of wine or two. And my friend, did just want a friend would do. Honestly tell me if there was anything that I should take from it or just move on. So I have moved on…Really…that is why I am blogging on it. To take this experience and turn it into a lesson and by doing so let it go. Now I am sure that I am not the only one out there who has received weird and inappropriate feedback. What have you done with it? Anything? Willing to share? I would love to hear your insights.

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