In the traditional models of male group dynamics the new members of the group undergo some form of hazing to “earn” their way into the group. Once “in” the group, the new guy is made the butt of jokes or “given grief” as a demonstration of his belonging.
Ask a women the last time, she felt “in” when she was made the butt of a joke. To the average female, being made the object of exclusion or ridicule is the exact opposite of belonging and a BIG BLINKING SIGNAL THAT SHE STOP TRYING TO BECOME PART OF THE GROUP BECAUSE—for whatever reason- SHE IS NOT WELCOME.

In the workplace, the worst thing is to be viewed as disengaged or “not team player”.

In life, it is awful to feel purposefully excluded and have no control to “get back into the game.” What maybe intended as a sign of inclusion-kidding around, target of practical jokes-teasing maybe perceived as harassment, retaliation or purposeful exclusion. NOT what is desired in the workplace for full engagement.

Think about it. Then take a look around. How does your workgroup let individuals know that they are “Teamplayers”? How do you? Is this based on “the way we have always done it?” Is it possible that your method falls into either a “male” or “female” model?

If so, have there been any unintended consequences??

Work Life Balance Is a Myth!! I know that I am about to skewer a sacred cow here.  Expose the fact that the transparent, dangling carrot of achieving “balance” between the demands of the workplace, demands of home life and the aspiration of achieving harmony, Zen, and self-fulfillment is as real as the Wizard of Oz.

Well, I am saying it.  There is no balance. Every time I hear the term, I feel a boiling rage inside. Why? Because I get a mental image of a circus seal with a hat balancing on a big, beach ball, on one flipper.  I also have flashbacks of attempting to bend myself into a pretzel in vain attempts to achieve the balance.
Balance no. Congruence, yes.

Work and life must be in congruence with one another.  Banish the guilt. Banish the fallacy “if I just worked harder,” “if I was a better person,” “if I had better time management skills,” “if I just didn’t stay up watching CSI Miami last night.”
So how does this relate to conflict at work?  Simple - if people are over-stressed, blaming and shaming themselves for not being good enough and not doing good enough, they are ripe for workplace conflict.  They are overly sensitive to criticism.  They may withdraw.  Or worse, lash out inappropriately.  The result is damaged credibility and damaged workplace relationships.
Anyone else out there felt pretzel-like?  Interested in your comments. 

At work, humor can be used to build or break working relationships.  Often men and women have the same intent –to build a sense of camaraderie –when joking or kidding around. 

However, women jest.  Men joust.

The Jester, if you will, will use self deprecating humor or feel good humor.

The Jouster will use humor to skewer or unseat the opponent and for the benefit of others.  It is humor and one- ups-manship.  And unless you are prepared to skewer back, it can be a demoralizing experience.

Not a big deal?  Oh contraire!  I hear of more women leaving male-dominated environments because of the Jousting Atmosphere.

As one woman put it “there was just too much testosterone!  The men did not know when to dial it down!”

I am not saying that men need to become women with penises.  Nor should women be men with breasts.  What I am saying is that everyone should be conscientious of how they use humor in work groups.

So are you a Jester or a Jouster?  Have you ever been a Jester in a group of Jousters?  Or a Jouster in a group of Jesters?  (For that second one, will anyone fess up if the Jouster with the Jesters might have led to complaints of bullying or harassment? Just wondering…)

True story.  A woman worked for a small business. Boss/owner was in the office everyday and hyper-viligilent about “customer service.”  The company offices were small enough so that every phone call could be heard.  More important for this story, the single-stall restroom was immediately off of the main work area.  When a customer called and sales reps were in the restroom, the boss would stand–get this–outside the door and yell that ”Your client is on the phone! Hurry up!” 

Nice.

Now as a business owner and as a consumer, I am all about providing great customer service, but come on!!!  What this boss did not appreciate was the signifcance of recognizing and honoring personal and professional boundaries.  As a result, he created a very uncomfortable workplace. 

Did the conduct rise to the level of illegal harassment or bullying.  Probably not.  Did it create uncomfortable situations in the workplace. You bet.  Unfortunately, the problem of not repecting boundaries or too intrusive bosses is widespread. 

Take a look at About.com’s workplace site  or one of my favorate sites http://www.badbossology.com/

Each of us has a personal and professional boundary and if someone comes trespassing it is up to you to tell the offending party.  No fair playing the “he should know” card.  Maybe he should know.  Maybe you should remind him (or her).

If you want some guidance on how to start or stay in the conversation, take a look at my website http://www.managingconflict.com/ for free articles.

Yes, you read that correctly.  “Men Don’t Whinny.” Recall last month’s eNews and how women use the power of the group to reward or punish.  Now, let’s take a look at the other side.  The guy side and some might even say the “right side”.

Now, some of you might be thinking “Who the heck is this Woman to talk about how men do it, don’t do it, or how they do it.”  How do I know?  I asked…MEN.   Lots of them.  I asked a High School Football Coach. A Marketing Executive.  A CPA.  A Human Resources Professional. Lawyers.  Airline Pilots. Management Consultants.  I asked.  I listened.  I took copious notes.  I stopped talking and took a look around.  This is what I heard and saw and what took me by surprise.

Recall, for the majority of women- it is all about the relationship and fitting in to the group.  Contrast this to, well, the male dynamic.

Men don’t care about the group. There is no group. There is only the task…and trust…and respect.