1.       Name the elephant in the room – yours & theirs. Acknowledge out loud that you and others are worried. It is a WASTE of emotional and psychological energy to either pretend the elephant doesn’t exist or to ignore it. 

2.       Avoid the blame game.  Self-righteousness keeps feelings of victimization on life support.

3.       Recognize that people really can’t compartmentalize their emotional states.  Happy, sad, stressed - one area of our life will seep into others.

4.       Stress, concern, and increased tension will cause people to have a short fuse. Expect more arguments and push back at work—but in strange and unexpected areas.  Help peers and yourself.  A re you angry at the person or task in front of you-or is it just a convenient target? (For action tools to address this check out The case of the convenient victim as well as the reply in the Feedback section of the next enews. )

5.       If you are targeted, attempt to recognize it as the person’s way of expressing frustration.

6.       Anger is an energy-redirect the energy. Take a walk. Take up kick boxing, write in a journal, have a 5 minute pity party, clean your workspace, jump up and down.

7.       60 second vent-write down everything that is pissing you off, irritating you or otherwise is “just not fair”. Cross out what is outside your immediate influence or it will take more time and emotional energy than you have this week.  Determine what is within your circle of influence.  Don’t ruminate over the rest. 

8.       Create best case-worst case & most likely case scenarios. Have an action plan for each.

9.       Think of 10 things that you are grateful for –write those on 10 sticky notes and post them around your work space.

10.   Then pick 1 thing that you can do something about and do just one small thing.

I admit it. I love, love, love reality TV. Project Runway, The Apprentice, Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, The Amazing Race, The Next Food Network Star.  I spend every Sunday catching up on the trauma and drama of people fighting to make it to the top or stay out of the bottom.

Why do I love these shows that glorify malfunction, back biting, and nastiness?  Because as someone who dives into other’s conflict all the time, it is like Jane Goodall observing the chimps.

What is good for ratings and interesting entertainment is actually horrid for the workplace. Through shows like the Apprentice, Hell’s Kitchen, and Project Runway naïve people are learning everything not to do to be successful at work.

Teamwork? No way!  Look out for number one.  Respectful communication?  Nope. Snipe and gossip.  Conflict resolution skills?  Forget it!

One lesson that is spot on…if you mess with someone, they will not forget and will try and take you down.

We often think about conflict as something to be avoided. Unfortunately we do get caught up in the trauma and drama of the workplace and can’t figure out how to get out of the mess-without more trauma, drama and mess. 

Well, I just read this great article in the October issue of Pink Magazine (for a FREE trial issue go to www.pinkmagazine.com).  The article  Diamond Deal by Tiffany Meyers.  Don’t be put off by what looks like a bad ad for a pyramid scheme jewelry franchise.  The article has some concrete tips on how to get deals done.  These tips are readily transferable to how to address tough situation at work.

There are 5 main categories that provide 21 tips.  Here are my top 5 of those 21 tips.

1)      Listen to Learn-Since much of the information you need isn’t on the surface, get comfortable reading between the lines.

2)      Thinking Past the Handshake-In the heat of the moment, when emotion might otherwise cloud judgment, return to the objectives you’ve identified as important.

3)      Maintaining Perspective- Acknowledge strong emotions if they crop up-but don’t let them drive decisions.

4)      Calling for Backup-Understand that you’ll probably never have all the information you want or feel that you need.

5)      Setting the Tone- Know what the other side stands to gain from the deal, Once you understand that , negotiations are easy.