There is something delicious about sitting in judgment of others.

 I was having coffee with someone last week and the subject  of judging others came up.

It got me thinking….why do we sit in judgment of others?

Is it because it is part of our job description? 

Is it because we like being “right” and telling others that they are “wrong” or at least “not as right as we are?” 

More importantly, what is the impact on us, the workplace, and our peers when we sit in judgment of others AND do so inappropriately?

What I mean by “inappropriately“?  

Let me paint a picture…You are working hard.  Someone says something to you that YOU find dumb, insensitive, or whacked.  You make a determination about that person’s character and competence BUT you never check it out to see if the person INTENDED to mean, insensitive or whacked.

As a result, your working relationship changes for the worse.

I will bet for those people with whom you have a poor working relationship that you can point to an exact moment when the relationship went downhill.

Now take 5 seconds to evaluate if you ever checked in with the person to verify if they did indeed INTEND to damage you or the working relationship.  If you didn’t verify their intention then you may have inappropriately sat in judgment.

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A colleague just sent me a link to a CNN article that says employees are too afraid to take vacation-because they are afraid that during any time away from work their employer will discover that the job can be done with out them. (Here is the link )

Fear has taken hold-the Monkey Brain has taken over. The Monkey Brain is that part of us where the fear response lives. The Monkey Brain engages and creativity dies, logic dies, freak-outs thrive.

So what can you do? Simple. Tame the Monkey.

The Monkey Brain is triggered by threats. In the working world that is down turns in the economy, lay off’s, performance reviews, restructuring, escalating tension, cut-backs, mergers, and bankruptcies.

I find that the common denominator is a feeling of lack of meaningful control and a sense of “I don’t know what I can do here!!!!!!” This feeling of lack of control often hides behind “IT’s NOT FAIR!!!”

Have honest conversations.

Name the elephant in the room.

It is OK to tell people that you don’t know or that you aren’t at liberty to tell them

No one really knows everything that is  going on.  Do your best to share what information you can.   Avoid-like the plague-speculating.  It doesn’t help and only serves to increase tension.

Ask people what they would like to have happen. They may not know or what they want is not with in your power to deliver.  Just get folks to start talking.   It is your best Monkey taming technique.

If you want more tips- please visit www.managingconflict.com and check out the enews archive page for articles and action tools.

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Earlier this month, I was a guest on Denise Rubin’s Radio Program Work Does Matter. It was a great conversation about how to handle workplace conflict, the definition of “hackles”, and tactics that work. Give it a listen via the Work Does Matter Web site. Tell me what you think. Really. I know that some of you do have differenct opinions.

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Some times dealing with conflict is a negotation. Here are some tips that negotiation expert Jeanetter Nyden shared via her newsletter. I

Jeanette Nyden

thought “Wow! This can be easily transferable to folks dealing with workplace tension and conflict!” So here you are!   If you would like more negotiation tips, visit Jeanette’s web site www.jnyden.com. She also has a book coming out Negotiation Rules! A Practical Approach to Big Deal Negotiations.

Best Practice #1  Get past needing to compete

Competition, while a part of the negotiation process, can destroy long-term relationships, which in turn can destroy your bottom line. Therefore, you must be able to balance competition against the desire to foster long term relationships.

Best Practice #2  Get down to the real issue

Separate the real issue the driving force of the negotiation�from the all the less important issues that take up time. People lose valuable time and money chasing after non-mission-critical issues.

Best Practice #3 Know and use your leverage

Business people must know and use their leverage. Leverage is your ability to get a deal on your terms. If you want a deal on your terms, you must know and appropriately use your leverage.

Best Practice #4 Don’t assume that people will act in rational ways

You cannot use rational arguments with people who have an emotional charge. It just doesn�t work. Address the emotional argument. If it is not your strength, then find someone for whom it is.

Best Practice #5 Things are not black and white.

Americans in particular like to talk in terms of the bottom line, bullet points and principles. The reality of the situation is that what you are negotiating is not likely a black and white issue. There will be nuances and shades of gray.�
Best Practice #6  Don’t let bad things linger

This piece of advice got the most laughs as they all remembered times when matters got really ugly. Matters just get worse the longer they linger. They don’t go away.
Best Practice #7  Let bygones be bygones.

People make mistakes. People also do really stupid things, like denying responsibility for their obvious mistakes. For the good of business, it is wise to let bygones be bygones.

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Join me on June 3 at 3 pm Pacific time.  I will be the guest of Larry Kaminer, President of The Personal Safety Training Group (www.personalsafetygroup.com )for Blog Talk Radio Live Call in Program Managing Conflict in the Workplace. We will talk about:

Early recognition of tension, conflict, and potential violence in the workplace and the impact of gender on workplace conflict and resolution. Cool stuff that you really need to know.

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I am always amazed of people’s need to be “Right” and how the need to be “Right” impedes the process of problem solving. So why is it that we want to resolve conflict but hold on so tightly to being “Right” and explaining the “Rightness” of our position with so much righteousness that we escalate the argument?

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1. Name the elephant in the room – yours & theirs. Acknowledge out loud that you and others are worried. It is a WASTE of emotional and psychological energy to either pretend the elephant doesn’t exist or to ignore it.

2. Avoid the blame game. Self-righteousness keeps feelings of victimization on life support.

3. Recognize that people really can’t compartmentalize their emotional states. Happy, sad, stressed – one area of our life will seep into others.

4. Stress, concern, and increased tension will cause people to have a short fuse. Expect more arguments and push back at work-but in strange and unexpected areas. Help peers and yourself. A re you angry at the person or task in front of you-or is it just a convenient target? (For action tools to address this check out The case of the convenient victim as well as the reply in the Feedback section of the next enews. )

5. If you are targeted, attempt to recognize it as the person’s way of expressing frustration.

6. Anger is an energy-redirect the energy. Take a walk. Take up kick boxing, write in a journal, have a 5 minute pity party, clean your workspace, jump up and down.

7. 60 second vent-write down everything that is pissing you off, irritating you or otherwise is “just not fair”. Cross out what is outside your immediate influence or it will take more time and emotional energy than you have this week. Determine what is within your circle of influence. Don’t ruminate over the rest.

8. Create best case-worst case & most likely case scenarios. Have an action plan for each.

9. Think of 10 things that you are grateful for – write those on 10 sticky notes and post them around your work space.

10. Then pick 1 thing that you can do something about and do just one small thing.

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We often think about conflict as something to be avoided. Unfortunately we do get caught up in the trauma and drama of the workplace and can’t figure out how to get out of the mess-without more trauma, drama and mess.

Well, I just read this great article in the October issue of Pink Magazine (for a FREE trial issue go to www.pinkmagazine.com). The article Diamond Deal by Tiffany Meyers. Don’t be put off by what looks like a bad ad for a pyramid scheme jewelry franchise. The article has some concrete tips on how to get deals done. These tips are readily transferable to how to address tough situation at work.

There are 5 main categories that provide 21 tips. Here are my top 5 of those 21 tips.

1. Listen to Learn-Since much of the information you need isn’t on the surface, get comfortable reading between the lines.
2. Thinking Past the Handshake-In the heat of the moment, when emotion might otherwise cloud judgment, return to the objectives you’ve identified as important.
3. Maintaining Perspective- Acknowledge strong emotions if they crop up-but don’t let them drive decisions.
4. Calling for Backup-Understand that you’ll probably never have all the information you want or feel that you need.
5. Setting the Tone- Know what the other side stands to gain from the deal, Once you understand that , negotiations are easy.

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