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Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 9, December 2007

• The sad (true) story of a convenient victim
• Action Tools
• Where's Carol??
• Ask Carol
• That's Worth Repeating
• Recommended Reading

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

The sad (true) story of a convenient victim

True story.  A sad story.  A story with a lesson.  Something like a "Fractured Fairy Tale"

A wonderful, successful businesswoman-Silvia (names have been changed to protect the…well…you decide) decided, "It is time to decorate for the holidays!"

So Silvia pulled out her pre-lit, expensive, synthetic, reusable Christmas tree.  Silvia also pulled out a step stool.  While decorating the Christmas tree, Silvia lost her balance fell into the Christmas tree.

Luckily, Silvia was not seriously hurt.  Scraped and bruised from the "branches", but otherwise unhurt.  Unhurt, yes, but really PISSED OFF AT THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

So what did she do?  She banished that misbehaving Christmas tree to the garage!  She was so mad at the Christmas tree that she did not even want to look at it.  Furthermore, to punish that misbehaving Christmas tree, she decided to go out and buy a new Christmas tree.

Irrational, you say, to be mad at an inanimate object?  Strange, you say, to punish the thing that is nearest to you—despite the things (or persons) total innocence?  Absolutely!!!

Is Silva still pissed at the Christmas tree? YES.  Is she buying a new one despite the recognition that it is irrational to be mad at completely innocent tree?  YES.

Moral to the story:  The most impressive people can still be irrational and blame other people or things because of embarrassment, fear, anger, and/or disappointment.  Just be sure if this happens to you that you don’t end up in the garage!

Action Tools

These action tools are designed to help you from becoming a victim of irrational blame and anger.  There are also a few thrown in to help you from victimizing others.

Helping out the “other guy”

1. Don’t assume that people will be rational if they are hurt, embarrassed or angry.  (See September 2006 edition of the enews.)  
   
2. Look to first be supportive. 
   
3. Offer options for the embarrassed person to gracefully exit the room to recover their composure.  Usually a statement like “Wow, that was a startling fall, encounter, conversation.  It took me off guard.  I might need a minute to recover.”  Then you take the minute.  This way you don’t focus more unwanted attention on the other person.
   
4. Let the other person decide when it is time to resume.

The “No #$#%$#$” Rule

1. It is ok to be embarrassed.  It is NEVER OK TO PUNISH, DEMEAN, HUMILATE OR BLAME someone else for your bad action.  No one “makes” you do anything. You always have a choice.  Choose the higher path.
   
2. If you do act poorly, apologize and ask for a “do-over.”  For example “I could have handled that better.  I am sorry.  Let me try it again” or “You had nothing to do with that situation.  I was upset and you were the closest thing to direct my anger at.  I am sorry.”
   
3. If you have banished someone to the garage, take a second look at the situation.  Was that person in anyway accountable?  Ask for a do-over if necessary.  If your action was over-the-top, more than a sorry is necessary. Lunch, a card, a latte.  Whatever. 
   
4. Finally, if you did unfairly punish someone, know that you have damaged your reputation.  That person has good reason not to trust you.  It is now up to you to re-earn their trust.  How long will that take?  As long as it takes.  The decision is not up to you. It is up to them because of what you did to them.

If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work?  I have a special program can help.  Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com . 
I am happy to help you out.

Ask Carol

I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know—those off to the side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad "Mojo" at work.

Q: What if you work with someone (your supervisor) who really is not interested in listening or problem solving?  She is so self-indulged and “it” is always all about her. She plays the roles of BOTH victim and control freak.

A: Ewww.  It is hard enough to have tense conversations when you have a hope that someone will listen to you.  Even more difficult when you feel as though 1) you are fighting to be heard and 2) the other person doesn’t care.

Here are some tips for engaging the self-indulged.  First, say “yes’ and “I agree” as many times in the conversations as possible.  No kidding.  Say it more than you think you can stomach.  For folks who are self-focused, it is important that they continue to feel that they are in the “right.”  By telling them often they are right, you are telling them (indirectly) that they can relax. The result is that you can get a word in edgewise. 

Continue to agree and use the “YES, AND…” technique.  “Yes, budget is important AND there is also a concern about…..”  or “Yes, efficiency is important AND we want to create buy-in by the key people so that the project goes smoothly.  I have some ideas around this AND I am interested in what you think.”

Second, for the control freaks.  It is often a matter of fear. Fear that they are accountable for something that they have no control over. OR the person/process that are responsible for the tasks are an unknown commodity. OR that the smooth running of a process (in theory) assures quality control and predictability (read here less stress for them).  Consequently, I would frame the issue NOT in terms of letting go of control, but in terms of SAFETY.  How can the control be lessened and the need for safety met?

Here are some phrases to try. “We all want to succeed here.  I also want to make sure that we deliver a quality product or experience.  Are there some things that I or others can do so you don’t have so much on your plate?  Of course, we should also talk about what processes we should use here to make sure that you can feel secure that the quality and timeliness of the work is predictable.”

That’s worth repeating…

"It is the cynics who still care."

--Anonymous

Recommended Reading

The Positive Power of Negative Thinking: Using Defensive Pessimism to Harness Anxiety and Perform at Your Peak
by Julie K. Norem

I first picked this book because I was intrigued by the title and curious about “defensive pessimism.”  I found it really intriguing.  It provided some concrete information on the psychology of those who shun the “don’t worry be happy” approach in favor of the “worst case scenario thinking.”  More importantly, it made me understand and appreciate why it is important to have these folks around. 

Excerpt
"Accentuating the positive is not bad advice, but it suffers from the same problem that plagues the ‘one size fits all’ clothing: People come in more than one size. Different people face different situations, encounter different obstacles, and have different personalities. Trying to squeeze everyone into an optimistic perspective can be both uncomfortable and unproductive, like struggling to stuff a queen-size body into petite sized panty hose.

“‘Relax-it will all work out’ simply isn’t always true. We have to make things work for ourselves. Trying to adopt a positive attitude when we are anxious-an outlook that discounts our anxiety-can backfire…."

Where's Carol???

March 25, 2008
Why do "Good Employees" File EEOC Charges (And what to do about it.)
Fife Employer's Solutions Seminar
(253) 922-9320

Do you want to bring a dynamic speaker to your organization or conference?  Carol is scheduling engagements for 2008. 
Call or email now to bring Carol to you!
(253)219-5532
ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com

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