Conflict
Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol
IV, Issue 5, August 2007
- Reading:
Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 2, Men Don't Whinny
- Action
Tools - Uncovering Male and Female Dynamics at
Work
- Where's
Carol??
We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.
Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 2, Men Don't Whinny
Yes, you read that correctly. “Men Don’t
Whinny.” Recall last month’s eNews and
how women use the power of the group to reward or punish. Now,
let’s take a look at the other side. The guy
side and some might even say the “right side”.
Now, some of you might be thinking “Who the heck
is this Woman to talk about how men do it, don’t
do it, or how they do it.” How do I know? I
asked…MEN. Lots of them. I asked
a High School Football Coach. A Marketing Executive. A
CPA. A Human Resources Professional. Lawyers. Airline
Pilots. Management Consultants. I asked. I
listened. I took copious notes. I stopped talking
and took a look around. This is what I heard and
saw and what took me by surprise.
Recall, for the majority of women- it is all about the
relationship and fitting in to the group. Contrast
this to, well, the male dynamic.
Men don’t care about the
group. There is no group.
There is only the task…and trust…and respect.
Again, no group. Just task. Men generally vie for
the opportunity to prove their skill, prowess, opportunities
to show how confident and competent they are. They
don’t care about any stinking group, because there IS
NO GROUP.
As a woman, I was a bit confused. So I kept asking
questions. “No group?” “How can
there be no group?” “NO GROUP!!!!” was
the overwhelming chorus I heard back!
There is the task. There is TRUST and RESPECT.
THERE IS NO GROUP!
According to a male Marketing Executive, Men focus on
the task, not on the people. Trust is earned if you complete
the task. If you don’t perform-
you have damaged your reputation and the reputation of
the person who brought you in. If you
fail to deliver, you have been disrespectful to the individuals
who trusted you with the task.
According to the Football coach. “If you don’t
do what you said you would do once, you may be given another
chance. But if you let Me down a 3rd time, you
will never be asked again. Period.”
I really didn’t believe it, until I saw the Ultimate
Guy Movie. The
Godfather-Part 2. The scene was the discovery
of Fredo’s betrayal…. What did Michael
Corleone say once he knew that his brother betrayed him? “You
are dead to me” BINGO. Read this
as “I gave you a chance. You blew it. You are
outta here! Don’t come around here any more
because you no longer exist."
HUGE Lesson for Women here! There is no working your way
into the group. Because there is no group. You are entrusted
with a task for the purpose of demonstrating your worth. If
you fail, you will not be given another chance. It doesn’t
matter if you are well liked or a nice person. You are,
figuratively speaking, Dead. A persona non grata.
This is exponentially different than being excluded from
a group as a punishment because coworkers don’t like
you—at least from a guy’s perspective. It
may still feel like icky, but it is not personal.
For the guys it is success via tasks,
not group affiliation.
Contrast this to Women who use group affiliation as a
source of reward and sharing information as an indication
of trust and intimacy. Hugely Different. So
here is the crux- women see almost everything as “in
the in crowd” or “on the outs”. For
men there is no “in crowd” only tasks. This
may explain why there is a proliferation of books about
how important relationship building is and the importance
of building rapport with co-workers and women’s response
of “no duh.”
How gender plays out in the workplace is a “big
sandwich to eat.” You need not try and tackle
it all at once. Simply recognizing how individuals
approach situations differently and how YOU approach people
helps you be more powerful at work.
To help improve your gender situational awareness, here are
some Action Tools. Try them out. See what you
learn and let me know.
Action Tools
Action Plan - Uncovering Male and Female Dynamics
at Work
Find out if there is “a group.” Conduct
this simple and revealing experiment: ask a female co-worker
to go for lunch or coffee. See if she asks “Who is
going?” Then ask a male co-worker and see if
he asks who is going or just says “Sure” or “Not
today.”
If working in a predominately Female environment, BE AWARE
that the relationships are paramount. If asked to go
for coffee, it is not about the coffee it is about building
relationships. You will not be asked to participate
in any “reindeer games” until you are known and
liked by the group.
If working in a Male environment, focus on the tasks before
you. You can ask people to coffee, but it will be about
the coffee-not a bonding experience. Recognize that
if someone says “no”, he is saying “no” to
coffee, not to you.
If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work? I have a special program can help. Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com
. I am happy to help you out.
That’s worth repeating…
“The answers aren't important, really. What's
important is-knowing all the questions.”
The Changeling - Zilpha
Keatley Snyder, 1970
Recommended Reading:
I am a big fan of Deborah
Tannen’s work. She is a professor
of Linguistics at Georgetown University. I particularly
like that she doesn’t blame or shame anyone. She
just points out how we, often inadvertently, get in our
own way.
Talking
from 9 to 5 : Women and Men in the Workplace Language,
Sex and Power.
Excerpt “Work days are filled with conversation
about getting the job done. Most of these conversations
succeed, but too many end in impasse....”
Where's Carol???
Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict,
train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate
internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol
to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our
Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict
at work.
September 20, 2007
CFDD National Conference
Co-Presentation with Jeanette Nyden,
Owner J. Nyden & Co.
www.JNyden.com
"They did what? Un-freaking’-believable! How
people get in their own way during negotiations at work and
what to do about it."
October 12-14
Basic Mediation Training,
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
www.pccdr.org
October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO
October 27-28
Basic Mediation Training,
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
www.pccdr.org
October 31
"The Magic of the Mediator-Mediation Skills
for the HR Professional"
through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
January 17, 2008
"No Shouting No Singing Kumbaya-Mediation
Skills for the Executive"
through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
|
